Wednesday, December 21, 2005

Thoughts turning to Fear

I am the type of person who can easily become worried. I work very hard (Let me insert pray, instead of work) so that I'm not distracted by worries. I absolutely hate worrying. It has brought me no comfort. It makes me irritable(Richard can verify this) as well as truly makes me ill. Complete with nausea and headaches, etc. But currently I can feel this overwhelming sense of fear approaching. I didn't think it would happen. At least not like this. You see, I knew that Richard wanted to be an officer. I had no problems with this. Who am I to deny him what he (and now I) believe to be what he should be doing! I researched everything. And I mean EVERY police statistic that is out there. The chances of him dying are greater by so many other factors than with him on the street. Greater in a car, etc. So this actually brought me comfort. Okay, but then he comes home yesterday. A day like any other day. Except this day is just a little different. You see yesterday was the first day he brought IT home. I knew this day was coming. In fact, I bought a Safe so that I would feel so much more at ease. But I had never SEEN it. And then it hit. I am not fearful that my children will get to it. I am not fearful that someone will try to hurt my husband. What I am fearful of is this....When I looked at IT , my thoughts tumbled in so many directions. How can something so little be so dangerous? How is it that just looking at IT makes my heart race and my palms get sweaty? It is the cause of so much death wrapped up in black metal. I guess for me it's that death by a gun can come from any hand. Strong or weak. And that is what frightens me. That something so cold, can bring death so quickly, and to someone so much weaker. That someone can have no value for their life or the life of another, that this is so quick. There is so much power in that gray and black steel. And that is what frightens me. Richard wants me to learn how to shoot it. I don't think I can even touch it. As my thoughts have been lingering on this since last night, I noticed that EVERY person who walked by Richard with his uniform on, their vision went straight to his waist. So, does that mean I'm not the only one with this fear? I'm not sure, but for now I just pray that God guides Richard's hands each and every minute! I'm sure there will be more on this later, for now it's all I can write....

5 comments:

jenny biz said...

Your fears are very legit!! There is a lot of power in "it". We will just hope that "it" NEVER as to be used!

Danna said...

I understand your fears. I have some of the same fears of "it". I pray that Richard will be covered by God's hand while on duty and off. Your family has a special place in my heart and I know that you are where God needs you to be. I am very proud and glad that Richard has followed his dream. Love you!!!

Beverly Ross said...

Wow! Prayer covering is definitely a necessity, huh? Let's get busy! I love you both and miss you so much!

Amber Smith said...

Hey Melanie-
Who are your siblings at Harding?

Melanie said...

Amber,

My sister Susan Fester just graduated in December with her bachelors in Social Sciences, with a certification in Secondary Education. My little brother Kenny Fester is a sophomore who is majoring in Nursing. His hopefully soon to be fiance, is Amanda Harrison (who is a sophomore as well) majoring in Early Childhood Education with an emphasis on Special Ed.