Monday, March 29, 2010

Richard and I went away for the weekend. It was a wonderful 2 days filled with rest and relaxation and wonderful down time. I'm so thankful for Richard and the patience and support he has shown.

In truth, I'm not enjoying this season right now. So many things I'm reading and learning. I've learned what "lament" really means. What mourning feels like. And I understand all the traditions that went along with mourning and why. I wouldn't have to explain my sadness if there were an outward symbol of this. My days are filled with sadness, memories, and self/spiritual discovery. A lot of which in myself needed to be priorized and pruned anyway. I'm not pretending happiness with the kids anymore, it's become much more genuine. I can't say I'm ready to dance and say I'm filled with joy, but I do think I'm on my way.

Monday, March 22, 2010

One month

It's been one month. The longest month I've ever known. A month of questioning, crying, waiting, changing, praying, living, and hoping.

It's still hard to believe our Jenny has been transformed. I still can't/won't think of her in death. For to know Jenny and to be in Jenny's presence screamed LIFE. I know that is true right now. Jenny is LIFE. And it helps to think she's been transformed. And that there's a someday. And it may be soon. I can only hope.

Little did I know when Jenny sent me a messsage a couple days before she became ill telling me to get ready and pick the dates for our mini vacation in the summer that it would not come to pass. And that hurts.

A month ago today I sat in a hospital room surrounded by Jenny's loved ones begging for her life. I pleaded for God not to make me mourn for his Glory but to celebrate his choice to let her live. I felt the presence of God as prayers and love were poured over her. I heard the sound of hearts breaking. It is a groan that cannot be spoken, a feeling of suffocation and the sensation of being in a vise. It is the true definition of pain. In that moment I also felt a peace. I understand a peace that defies understanding and yet with it a pain so strong that you cannot breathe.

and I will not forget. I will not forget those moments nor will I forget the reasons for that moment. I do not know the why, but I do know the who.

Sunday, March 14, 2010

I'm scared...

I'm scared to write more memories of Jenny. I will eventually run out. Then what?

Tuesday, March 09, 2010

I have no title for this blog. Nothing seems to capture the memories that flood my mind today.

Ashlyn was born on Malaya's first birthday. They have been the cutest friends since. Jenny actually came to spend some time with me while in labor. I had been given a shot of some relaxing medicine which had an adverse effect. Jenny prayed over my labor and birth and I had the giggles. Which turned into guffaws, tears and all. Jenny got her cute laugh going and I can still hear that laugh when I close my eyes. I pray I never forget that sound.

Ashlyn told me last night as I was praying with her before bed that on Sunday she had gone outside to get in the car for church and the sun was shining. She said she had to look up at the sky and she KNEW Jenny had smiled at her. I do believe she did.

Sunday, March 07, 2010


I'm still just so sad. I have so many thoughts, some profound, some not even intelligible. And many, many memories. They just creep up out of nowhere.

I miss that girl like crazy.

I never thought I would ever have to write a "memorial" blog about one of the sweetest people in my life. To try and sum up feelings, conflicting emotions, and a crushed heart is almost impossible to articulate in black and white. Jenny was much more than that. I guess I should start at the beginning...

Richard and I moved to Texas in January of 2000. After visiting churches for a month or so, we walked in to Mesquite. It was home. That immediate feeling of belonging. I sat in on Beverly's Wednesday night classes. I fell in love. Not only with her, but with the God that she loved. She told me that she had a daughter and husband and that she was really trying hard to get them to move to Mesquite. And that if they did, we would be fast friends. Oh, how right she was.

Jenny, David, and Malaya did move to Mesquite. We IMMEDIATELY hit it off. Oh how we could laugh. They had just moved into their first rental in Mesquite (is it sad I still remember the address?) and had us over for dinner. We had fajitas, David's homemade salsa and chips, and her "sin" dessert. We did small talk for a while and asked questions like, "What did you do in college?", What's your favorite restaurant?" and things like that. Until I asked Jenny "Did you ever play sports". David choked, Jenny spit out her sweet tea, and they both laughed until they cried. Oh what a sweet memory.

That's all I can do for now. But I have 10 more years to work through.