Monday, March 22, 2010

One month

It's been one month. The longest month I've ever known. A month of questioning, crying, waiting, changing, praying, living, and hoping.

It's still hard to believe our Jenny has been transformed. I still can't/won't think of her in death. For to know Jenny and to be in Jenny's presence screamed LIFE. I know that is true right now. Jenny is LIFE. And it helps to think she's been transformed. And that there's a someday. And it may be soon. I can only hope.

Little did I know when Jenny sent me a messsage a couple days before she became ill telling me to get ready and pick the dates for our mini vacation in the summer that it would not come to pass. And that hurts.

A month ago today I sat in a hospital room surrounded by Jenny's loved ones begging for her life. I pleaded for God not to make me mourn for his Glory but to celebrate his choice to let her live. I felt the presence of God as prayers and love were poured over her. I heard the sound of hearts breaking. It is a groan that cannot be spoken, a feeling of suffocation and the sensation of being in a vise. It is the true definition of pain. In that moment I also felt a peace. I understand a peace that defies understanding and yet with it a pain so strong that you cannot breathe.

and I will not forget. I will not forget those moments nor will I forget the reasons for that moment. I do not know the why, but I do know the who.


Deborah said...

Beautiful words, Melanie. I am truly sorry for your loss. We all grieve in different ways and on different time-frames. You continue to grieve however you need to. May God turn your mourning into dancing and your sorrow into joy in His own good time.

edensfamily said...

Blessings on your journey of grief. Praying for you daily!